This is going to be a far more serious and personal blog post, infact I really considered not writting it, but I'm relying fairly heavily on the fact that absolutly no one is reading this blog, or at least people I know, and I kinda want to write and talk about it, and posting it is just a way of getting it out there, and out of my system, so here it goes.
I've been thinking a lot about my double.
Why? Well I very reccently applied to a very presitgous program, I spent time, effort, money and mental stress thinking and applying, and I got rejected. I kinda knew it was coming, it was a very prestigous program, but I just felt like I was such a perfect fit, that I should be going, but I just didn't get in. Someone, on a blog post about the program mentioned that there were a thousand different univerese created when the admit list went up, to accodoate all the possible future of people getting in, and not getting in, and the huge Fringe fan in me, got me thinking of other Emily, and how she would be like, and how her life would be different if she got in.
But quite frankly that sucked. Going back to Fringe, I know Walter and Elizabeth tried to find solace that there was a peter somewhere out there who survived, but all I could think about was how much better other Emily would have been, she'd be having fun, meeting amazing people, living in an amazing place, A place she's dreamed of living for years, she'd be feeling like she's doing something with her life, feeling like its worthwhile, and going on and getting a great job. Which in no way gives me solace, because I feel none of that.
I hate university, I mean I don't mean that I hate it, I just hate the concept. I feel like I'm wasting my life, wasting time, and I feel like I don't have time to waste, I'm lonely, I barely see my school frineds, and when I do, we nevee talk or catch-up, I don't feel as close to them, I feel like we're drifting appart, but I hae nothing to frift to, I know that I have to give it time, but I have really no friends in uni, there all just acquaitences, and evertime I think I'm getting close, I never am. It's my birthday soon, and I feel like I'm so ridiclously old, and I think of the kid who went to uni at 12, or all the people who go early, and wish so badly that I could have. I feel like I have to waster the next 7 or so years of my life, which I didn't mind so much in school, because its school, and everyone has to go to it, but now I feel so normal, so un-scpecial, so mundane, and I hate it, I'm so self-centred, but I just can't stnd doinf things at the same pace as other people, I just can't be in the same class.
and I know its just my persecetive, but I just feel so normal, I'm going to some run-of the mill university, and going to get an average job at the end, but only after I endure god-knows how much mundane touture, of sitting bored in lecture theatres, and thats what really rubs me about alt-emily. She gets to use her potenital, to be in a reconsided and respected program, she gets to be special, when I am just normal, and I want so badly to be special. I have this complex where I strive, I need to feel speical, well everyone does, and its more a condition of generation Y's over coddeling, (more about this later, but after much thought of on the issue, I've come to the conclusion that telling absolutly everyone they're special, by handing out awards for everything, may not actually be the best thing) and god I hate this feeling, I hate normal, and its probably for because the first part of my life I felt special and if I could do everything (you're going to be reading a TON of blog posts on this issue, because its so much on my mind at the moment) but know I feel like nothing, like everything I've worked for isn't going to pay off, I feel like I'm working to avoid falling down into the absis, not rise above everyone else.
But Alt-Emily is rising, she's doing things, she's on her way, and I'm not, and that, for lack of a better word sucks.
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